Why Search?

  I just finished reading Siddhartha and was reminded how the point in life is not to search. The point in life is not to condemn, nor attempt to find enlightenment in some distant corner of the Earth. The point is there is no point- just be, just feel, just experience, become.
  Siddhartha is a fictional (?) character who was born in India during the time of Gotama the Buddha. In his life he moves from being the son of an esteemed Brahmin, to an aesthetic, to a rich man indulging in the sensory pleasures of life, finally to a wise sage ferryman along the sacred river banks. He met the Buddha and found no satisfaction in his teachings and continued on his way, learning about different aspects of existence by living them fully.
   Eventually, he becomes enlightened by hearing the roaring of the river merging into the sound of the eternal OM. In that moment, he saw all of his experiences, the good, bad and everything in between appearing before his eyes, and subsequently merging into the next experience, in total unison. In that moment, he saw the Oneness of all of life behind all of the different realities he had lived in his one small lifetime.
   Siddhartha questioned himself every step of the way. When he was a child, he found offerings to the Gods useless so he left his father to become a renunciate in the forest. After torturing his body for many years with intense fasting, enduring laying on beds of thorns, and other bodily mortifications, he abandoned that life to become a man of the world. He found a lover, Kamala, and became a man with fancy clothes and riches. Eventually, that too became meaningless to him and he left the world of comfort to become a simple man in the forest once again. During that time he lived with a ferryman named Govinda who taught him to listen deeply. Not only to listen but to receive deeply. He would sit for hours at a time in silence, listening to the stories the river had to tell. In the end, he recognized that all experiences served the Divine purpose of helping him wake up different aspects of himself, which eventually led him to a single moment of synchronicity which many call self realization.
  Had he not had all of these different experiences, he would not have been able to recognize that all experiences are Divine in nature. He would not have been able to realize that all experiences merge into one single point. The resounding, constant, never ending roar of OM. The sound that has been designated from time immemorial to represent all of existence and the love that backs it all.
   I relate to Siddhartha deeply. Sometimes I find myself questioning many of my choices that I have made in my 31 years. The critic comes in and says, ” You would be a better person if…” or , “You would be more advanced at yoga if…” or, “You should be embarrassed because…” and the nay-sayer goes on and on. I have questioned so much of what I have experienced and wondered so much as to what purpose these experiences have served.
   I have condemned, and also delighted in the crazy shit I have done. I have felt utter embarrassment, fear of rejection to the point of deep buried silence which lies dormant. I have excused away very strong impulses because they didn’t seem to fit with the reality I was in. I have in the same breath felt intense joy, feelings of enlightenment, which always fade. I have had moments of feeling total love, emanating from within myself and also from other beings that have been on the path too. I have partied too much, worked too hard, loved way too deeply for self preservation. I have squandered all of my money too many times to count. I have travelled places because of having one vibrant dream at night, woken up, bought a plane ticket, and flung myself into those experiences because I have always felt deep within, despite logical fears, that there is nothing to lose.
  There is nothing to lose. Beyond all of the questioning, there is a very deep inner knowing that all is perfection. All occurrences have been in perfect timing. When I reflect on the encounters and experiences in this lifetime and others I see the perfection of it all. I see how one experience merges into another, guiding me much like the river guides a leaf downstream towards the vast and immeasurable sea.
 I have procrastinated to the point of deeply irritating the people closest to me. I have been a classic underachieving, brilliant fucking light in this world, often wandering, but absolutely never lost.
 Nothing is ever lost. It cannot be. Even with death, no loss is incurred.
  Life to me, and my limited but ancient perspective is purposeless. Goalless. Even enlightenment need not be strived for. How can something that happens in perfect timing ever be controlled or harnessed, or worked toward? Read the ancient stories of the ones who have crossed the bank of separation to total oneness and it is always the same. They finally gave up searching and it arrived. They finally let go of the goal and it landed on their laps. They surrendered to the perfection of the flow of the river of life, and it took them.
  This deep feeling has perhaps led me astray in the realm of worldly achievements. It has perhaps under motivated me to do anything other than what I absolutely want to do in that moment, and that is the freedom that only a few on this Earth possess. It is not for everyone, this path, but everyone has their path, and that is the joy of being alive. No one needs to follow the footsteps of anyone else. I am not enlightened and have no idea when that moment will occur. I am not chasing it. Even my yoga practice is not aimed particularly at enlightenment. I do it because it PULLS me towards it. I have heard a great man (Tony Robbins) once say,” Being drawn isn’t enough- you have to be PULLED.” Only that is enough. Whatever the circumstance, if we can trust the silent pull of our heart and Highest Intuition, we will reach the goalless goal. We are all headed there, but it’s up to you, let go, or be dragged.
Love. Is all.

1 Comment

  1. Melissa Chantrel on November 16, 2016 at 3:00 pm


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